My Human Folly?
I find being human a folly. I am a living contradiction. Parts of my thoughts are true while many must be fiction. For example how can I have such a profound love for all things yet have a loathing for a tiny part of myself? What is that about? At times I witness people not been very humane driving in the city. I can shift from a Buddha to an ax murderer quickly if someone cuts me off. When I think I am somebody I get filled with my self-importance. However being more self-absorbed does not increase happiness. I feel much better being a nobody, less stress and greater freedom. I have nothing to lose since I still possess my sense of humor. The same is true when I realize what truly I do know. It is that I truly do not know. Forgetting is another comic thing for me. Everything revolves around remembering. This determines whether I am mindless or mindful. So I cannot remember when I forget, or forget when I remember. Do I have part timers, where I only remember part of the time? Again laughing at myself lightens my bad habit of creating drama. I feel less than genuine when I realize how essential it is to be humble. What makes me smile is the irony of my situation. For example, I constantly must create meaning in a meaningless world. Another great example is when I become more vulnerable. Even though I feel like I am falling apart, somehow I feel more alive. I am doing less however I feel like am doing more with my life. I guess what brings me joy is just being. Before, I was driven, living in a fear-based mode. Now I have the time not to become, but just to love. So I realize it is not the end of the world, and it is not about me. Just lighten up. When I become emptier of things, I become fuller. Humor is about finding that Nothing is where everything hides. When I identify less with my thoughts and let go of who I am, I find a divine liberation. One of my greatest gifts is becoming childlike. All my life I have treasured being with kids and the fun associated with creating new play. Nothing gives me pleasure more than dancing, joking and laughing with children. Constantly I laugh at my mindlessness. I go into a room and forget why I went to that room and I chuckle. For example, I look down working out and I find I have my shirt on inside out. What was I not thinking??? While I make great efforts to be mindful, I live and act in a world mindless at times. Just go into a store and observe how many people seem to have a bigger picture. Since I was very young playing tennis I noticed an unsolicited commentary happening. I had this critical voice commanding me and providing endless criticism of my shortcomings. It is like that old cartoon of the devil on the left shoulder and the angel on the right one. For a huge part of my time here I have focused on the negative more than the positive. Being funny has been my attempt to find greater balance. For example I worked for years on improved resource conservation. I started recycling and championed numerous types of conservation programs. However, I partied at times and got wasted, making me feel more imbalanced and hypocritical, dumping and discarding my divine being. Over the years I have been inspired by Mark Twain, Will Rogers, and modern day comics such as John Oliver who tell the truth and get us to laugh. I even invented various characters such as Ray Cycle, The Trash Pirate and Noah U Water to allow me to get paid to joke around. Maybe some more mystical humor will emerge in the future. So I have attempted not to be so self-absorbed, not to get caught in self-pity, inadequacy and all sorts of things that feed my ego. I can get distracted and easily flush my very soul down the toilet. These days when things go south, I try to re-frame my disappointment to see what lessons I can learn from this setback. I regain myself in the Present and then see what happens next.
My human folly transforms my tragic victim into a comic "attitude of gratitude." This humor provides my new blessings from laughing at my old ones. I have two choices. I can become more tragic or more comic. I think the latter offers me much joy and fun. More wit is better than being half a wit.