...Ask me what I am looking for in detail and what is preventing me from living that more fully...Thomas Merton
What in the world is preventing me? So often it is the feeling of "not being enough." This sense of inadequacy is certainly one of my greatest hindrances. It's an obstacle for many of my female friends as well.
For years I have had trouble attracting women who would go out with me. This has made me feel “less than” in finding a companion. Also at a deeper level there is a sense of being "broken.” While I recognize that dating will not make me more complete, I do wish to go beyond this repeating drama and exercise my greater potential and possibility.
Some time ago I worked out a formula for addressing this sense of doubt, or second guessing one's abilities. I call it the ART of being capable: Act, Re-gain, and Transform.
Simply Act is the first step. Simply go after what one wishes. Allowing doubt to make me feel incapable is the worst thing I can do. Simple actualization means going to various social functions where there is the potential to meet eligible, single women and discover a future partner but feeling "less than" will not help me. Coming from a place of more inspiration than desperation makes me feel more attractive and viable since it is really not about me finding my soul mate (even though this would be amazing) as much as “how” I go about the process. Dating might be more about how I evolve further and address my deepest fears. Dealing with rejection is my huge challenge.
Next, Re-gain is about my will to put myself out there to date. Success happens only if I go after it. Yes, I have faced lots of rejection and feel very vulnerable. However, my recovery is found by illuminating a sense of my inner discovery. A lot of what haunts me is not about finding Ms. Right. Even if I found Ms. Right my inner struggles would continue. Many times I have gotten my Ms. Right only to find I have somehow again abandoned myself. It is really about how “kind and gentle” I am with myself in searching for her that truly matters. My grand search is really to Re-gain “inner and inter-connection,” to feel more unified.
Finally, I Transform my situation by being able or capable. When I fully acknowledge what I need, wisely letting go of my wants and desires change results. I have dated and even married some very attractive women. Now, I am searching for a spiritual friend who enjoys the exploring of sacred physical possibilities - touching and sharing the divine together. In order to transform, I intuit that some form of unconditional surrender must happen. In this life, I may never meet my “soul-mate.” Developing reasonable expectations and grounding my romantic ideals is about both acceptance and wisdom, while the rest is up the great mystery of the Divine Universe.
It is no accident I just read Dan Millman and Doug Childers, “A Bridge between Two Worlds,” that supports my “ART of Being Capable.” They offer amazing insight into our two extreme mind-sets. One mind-set is dedicated to reason while the other is a heartfelt believer, drawing upon faith. When we bridge these opposites, faith becomes balanced with reason. We can discern the truth of our authentic experiences. When we are able to allow non-skeptical states of mind, our intuition expands.
This intuition may be a built-in mechanism of our mind body that we don't fully understand. It can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary phenomena that change lives, allowing spontaneous healing and visionary happenings. Such events contain many realities that operate according to their own internal laws.
One chapter in the book talks about Buckminster Fuller’s epiphany that came after his darkest hour. He had a revelation on the shore of Lake Michigan where he was about to drown himself. He had a divine vision of himself as “One”, the whole not the sum of the separated parts. With this experience, the ordinary world became bridged with an extra ordinary one. He found his higher purpose to be the serving of others for the greater well-being of people everywhere with his own extraordinary abilities. He said,
You do not have the right to eliminate yourself; you do not belong to you. You belong to the universe. Your significance will remain forever obscure to you but you may assume that you are fulfilling your role if you apply yourself to converting your experience to the highest advantage of others.
The non-skeptical mind-set can open us to our higher purpose and potential, the truth of the ART of the Capable.